in truth, you've been putting off this conversation for quite a while. because you don't know how it will go and, honestly, you're not sure there's a good resolution to be had. it's somehow more comfortable, though still entirely uncertain, to not have this talk and continue to walk the tightrope of fine lines. but it weighs on your heart heavily, this idea of right and wrong and especially timing and you know that to go on this trip, to leave behind all the distractions that have been easy to blame for things not happening without any discussion of the matter is playing with fire.

in the end it's not because you worry about yourself and what any of this may do to your feelings that makes it impossible to ignore the words you've left unsaid, but the idea of what it might mean for him. because you care, to a degree perhaps you shouldn't.

it helps that you won't have to have this conversation in person, because you know that would only give you another excuse to chicken out. but you do pause your packing to reach out, careful to avoid the pitfall of can we talk? to instead tell him that you've been thinking about the trip, reiterate how incredibly excited you are. how pleased and sincerely touched that he wanted to do this with you. these are all things you've said before, but it's always good to start at the beginning.

and then you tell him the one thing you've truly outright avoided in the nearly endless amount of talking you'd done, that you like him. that you genuinely have feelings for him. that talking with him has become an absolute staple of your day and you don't feel quite right without it, that you care what he thinks not just because of your own stupid insecurities but because it matters to you, that it twists your stomach when he's upset, that more often than not you fall asleep with a phone in your hand so you can talk to him until the last possible moment you can keep your eyes open and that it never fails to make you smile to wake up in the morning to a missed message.

you say that in all the time you'd considered him coming to your apartment in new york before it actually happened, (though you swear you had no ulterior motives) you'd hardly been able to get out of your head the idea of greeting him at the door by wrapping your arms around his neck and claiming his lips. you'd thought about it so much you were actually surprised it didn't happen out of sheer force of unconscious will. but you'd behaved. you'd kept the unspoken boundaries that were there, that had kept the both of you from going too far, if he was even truly interested.

and then you admit that you're saying all this, and you're saying it now, because you don't trust yourself. not to spend all this time alone with him and not let yourself feel everything that is already tugging at your chest every time you even think of him, and you're not sure that's fair to him.

it's something you've been obsessively worrying about because there are boundaries for a reason. and you will not let some silly birthday trip interfere with what he's doing and the progress he's making.

and maybe you're over thinking things, as you both know you are more than apt to do. maybe he really doesn't care and doesn't feel anything at all and this is all fun and games and beaches and there's not a single point in worrying because he's not interested. this is a friends only trip.

as much as you seriously do not want to put him on the spot, you need to know. because in a way, it's better if that's the case. then you can go and enjoy the time and push everything else aside to have fun with your friend. and if you're not mistaken, that the pull isn't only on your side, you need to know that too. and you need to decide if this is still a good idea.

do you...