I LOVE YOU LIKE XO

two times kira said, "i love you."

it's too soon, the first time kira tells a boyfriend she loves him. she's the girl who already uses the phrase too much, who says it to her friends constantly, to her family, to people she barely knows who are kind to her, who doodles hearts in her notebooks and scribbles initials. but she doesn't yet understand its true weight, what the words really mean. it's teen cliche romance at best, but her intention couldn't be more genuine.

honestly, cliche doesn't begin to cover it, and it's probably exactly that, years of watching and swooning over romantic comedies, that makes her believe that getting wrapped up in that exact moment is right. it's basically the end of any generic high school movie, and kira easily fits the not quite popular enough girlfriend role, the one the in-crowd would probably tease relentlessly to get rid of if she wasn't so kind and sweet to everyone, essentially harmless, the token outsider that doesn't seem to even realize she's supposed to care.

she waits for her boyfriend (boyfriend, she practically radiates happiness every time she even thinks the word) outside of the gym, brimming with excitement over their big win (for him, not because she really cares about the game), rushing him as he appears, her arms circling his neck in one fluid motion, not even waiting for him to drop his bag before reaching up on her tiptoes to press her lips against his. the kiss is chaste, sweet, but it makes her stomach knot and her heart flutter all the same because she doesn't really know any better yet, and the only thought in her head is oh my god, this is it, this is exactly what it's supposed to be like and without allowing for any more time to consider she simply blurts out the words, a rush of thrill accompanying the realization, a blush coloring her cheeks as the boy she loves returns her sentiment with a whisper against her lips and another saccharine kiss, and everything in her teenaged world is exactly as it should be.

it's years before she says it for the first time again, practically a whole other life, a nearly unrecognizable one. she's literally thousands of miles from home, from her family, and figuratively couldn't be further from the innocence of high school football games and homecoming dances. a party in the hollywood hills is not a place kira would have ever pictured herself, but that's exactly where she is. it's dark and loud and full to the brim with people she doesn't know, with the exception of a few faces that look mildly familiar and the man whose lap she's sitting on, her back pressed to his chest, her head tucked perfectly against his neck.

he's not even talking to her, not really, and she's only loosely following the conversation going on around her. between being drunk and being exhausted (she's been up since four and needs to be again, the glamourous life of a pastry chef in training, and the reasonable voice in the back of her head questions why she wasn't in bed hours ago) her focus is weak at best. but what does have her attention is his hands. he's holding a drink in one but his other is anything but unoccupied, drifting from her waist to her leg, slowly tracing the seam of her jeans along her thigh. she doesn't fit in here, as her choice of attire makes all too clear. what girl wears jeans to a party like this? (arguably she's embarrassed that she didn't even realize it would be quite so impressive but maybe that's what he likes about her, that she's obviously not trying too hard to be something she's not, to fit in where she so obviously doesn't.) she misses the lull in conversation, and lets out a surprised laugh at the nip he delivers to her ear to gain her attention, his arm wrapping tightly around her waist to keep her steady as she starts with a jolt.

she settles back with a sigh, half sleepy, half simply content, leaning in a way that makes it easy for him to capture her lips in a bruising kiss. if her first relationship was warm and comfortable, this one is blazing fire that simmers in her blood each time they touch, just waiting for the opportunity to combust. her thoughts are swimming, drowning in alcohol and in him, his touch and his taste and his warmth that sets her alight. the room is full, but it might as well be just them alone. at least that's how it feels to her as she twists to take his face in her hands. it's not really anything like her to lose track of her surroundings, to care so little for her responsibilities, there's nothing else (no one else) that would have her out so late on a work night, and yet this is the clear thought that breaks through the haze, that she could feel just like this forever and be completely satisfied.

the thought crosses her mind, and before she even realizes it she's laughing lightly, drunk giggles that shake her shoulders, though she makes the best effort at trying to keep their kiss going. but of course he pulls back, curious what has set her off, an eyebrow raised in amused concern and like it's nothing at all, like it's the most natural and obvious thing in the world, with a smile that completely lights up her face and an almost shy half shrug she tells him exactly how she feels in three simple words. the very thought of it fills her with such joy that even the look of disbelief that sets into his eyes, the idea that it's too soon and not possible written clearly across his face, can't dampen her happiness. he chuckles deeply, reminding her that she's really fucking drunk but she brushes him off with another round of laughing. she may be intoxicated but it's still the clearest thought she's had all day, and kira knows with certainty that she means it in the purest sense, that she won't forget her words or the feeling come morning. she loves him, no matter how long it takes him to see it.

"i don't know what he's already told you," she starts, still smiling, though slightly hesitant. she doesn't want to waste time repeating anything, not when there could be so little of it and they are hardly ever there just the two of them. it's a rare opportunity, though one she's undoubtedly happy for. but she wants this to be right, and she finds that there's a current of nervousness running through her.

"i have four siblings?" she offers, phrasing it like a question though it's the truth, as if the woman before her will suddenly speak up to say i know already, now tell me something better. "i'm right in the middle. two younger sisters, an older sister and brother. they're some of my favorite people in the world. but we grew up here, in st. augustine, and then kind of moved off and did our own things and then ended up back here, all of us. it's funny how things happen like that."

with a small but warm smile, she glances over, pausing only long enough to take in an expression of...well, not quite peace, but at least calm. her eyes are closed, but kira just knows that she's still listening, can feel it somehow.

"i moved to california for a few years," she continues, brushing her fingers along the soft blanket covering the bed she's set beside. "i went to culinary school. i like to bake," she explains, boiling down her passion for what she does into the most simple terms, knowing there isn't enough time in one conversation to explain what being in the kitchen means to her, how it feels like a connection to her family, that it's how she sometimes shows affection. not when there are so many other more important things to talk about. "i made banana split muffins not too long ago, before i knew that was your specialty. i'm sure they didn't hold a candle to yours but it made me think... well, your taste is after my own heart." for a moment she stops talking again, looking over with a hopeful tug to her expression. she doesn't say that it made her feel close to this woman (yes, a muffin flavor) like she knew her somehow though they hadn't even met yet. that even though it's silly, it made her feel like it was a sign that this was something important.

kira considers for just a moment what else this woman needs to know. "i work at a restaurant. babcia, my grandmother, it's hers. i've always worked there, really. maybe i always will," she adds with a light laugh and a bit of a shrug as if to say family, what else can you do, though it's easy to gain from the look on her face that she loves it. "she taught me to cook, really. and the restaurant, it was her and dziadzia's dream. i would have come back no matter what, i'm sure, but we all kind of did when he passed, to help out with things."

it takes a second for it to sink in what she's said, the topic she's broached without even meaning to, especially not here, of all places. she doesn't want to even introduce the idea of passing on to this room, though it's not a foreign concept in a place designed for exactly that, mascarading as a bedroom. gently, but purposefully, kira picks up her hand in her own, noticing the warmth and with a hard swallow, she sends out a silent prayer that the fever hasn't returned. "i'm sorry," she murmers, meaning it in more ways than she could possibly hope to describe, her heart aching as she searches the woman's face for any sign of pain, wondering, just briefly, if this whole idea is beyond stupid. a foolish hope from a foolish girl just looking for acceptance. but even though her eyes are still closed, kira feels the flutter of finger tips against her hand, almost a soft tap, and hoping she's right, chooses to believe that this woman before her gets what she is trying to do.

"i just..." she begins, but stops again, overwhelmed, unsure of the right way to word exactly what's on her mind. "i keep thinking about it, i guess. i mean, i know california is a huge place. and we were never in the same city, i don't think. but we were both there at the same time. and sometimes i just think, what if we'd bumped into each other, you know? just randomly, on the street. or at a restaurant or something. and i told him that he looked familiar, because he went to school with my sister, and we're both from here, and we got talking? i could have used him in my life, then," she admits softly, thinking about how true the words feel. but genuinely, she hadn't been ready then. she had felt lost in ways she needed to grow from, she understood that now.

"you would have gotten to know me," kira finally says, and that's the heart of the matter. the thought that has been dwelling on her mind and weighing her down for days, the unspoken piece between them whenever he shares something about his mother with her. "and i really want to know you. because you're the most important person to him, you're his mom. and your son... he has the greatest heart. he cares so deeply. he's one of the strongest people i've ever met. it sounds like he gets it from you," she says, gently squeezing her hand, a sad smile pulling at her lips. it's not fair, all that they've been through. everything they're going through now. "and i swear, when he's happy and he smiles it's like..." she fades out for a second, looking for the words. it's like the perfect chocolate souffle. like the moment in a romcom when it all comes together and the best friend gets the girl. like a great first kiss, like fireworks at disney, like seeing someone after a long time apart, like walking on the beach at sunset, like all the most cliche romantic things you hear people wax poetic about, no matter how silly and cheesy it sounds. like the whole world shifts to accomodate. how do you put that feeling into a sentence?

"i am completely in love with him," she lets out, a tumble of words, the first time she's said it to anyone but him. her voice is edged with a light laugh and her eyes have already welled up with tears. not sad, not exactly happy, but more overwhelmed than anything. "i don't even know why i'm crying," she says, blushing deeply as she laughs more, quickly wiping her eyes with her empty hand, fanning her face to make light of her sensitivity. (but it's truly not a surprise, she cries at everything, of course she's going to cry at this too.) "maybe it's too fast or i just feel things too hard or, things just...clicked. they feel right, i don't know. but i know that i do and it's important to me that you know, too. that you know me. okay?"

kira looks up again, her eyes still full, and meets hers gazing back in understanding. the resulting squeeze to her hand brings a full smile to her lips, relief washing over her. it's all the acceptance she needs.