carisa doesn't often get mad.

in fact, it takes a lot to work her up to that boiling point of anger, and more still to push her over the edge to action. but this time is different, this is different, because it's been building for so long that on most days, she hardly ever noticed the low rumbling and vibrations of slowly accumulating frustration.

she knows there's no way around this phone call, even as lindsay, her agent, volunteers to make it for her instead of simply with her. at another point in her life, carisa would have taken that easier way out, without a doubt or even a second of hesitation. instead, she takes a deep breath and simply waits for leslie, her publicist, to answer as lindsay dials her in to their call. and she stays quiet in the background as the two other women exchange somewhat awkward small talk and light pleasantries.

"tell me you didn't do it," she interrupts, knowing the answer but needing to hear it. both the other women fall silent, the tension on the call growing by the second.

finally, leslie sighs, a sound full of exhaustion, "you know i did. i planted the story about your vacation but -"

carisa doesn't even wait for the end of the sentence before she speaks over her publicist, her tone growing sharper, "but? but? there's no excuse, leslie."

it's unusual for carisa to react this way, and the line grows quiet again for a second. "Maybe we should let leslie explain," Lindsay interjects, trying to take on the role of peacekeeper.

"but," leslie begins again, her voice raising as well, the resentment for having to explain herself barely contained. "it was necessary, carisa. i know you don't want to hear that, but i've been doing this for a long time and i know what i'm doing. you can't let someone like jace loose in the press and just wait for it to blow over. so i said you were on vacation together, it clears up doubt and that's that."

this time, it's cari's turn to mull over words in silence, thoughts running through her mind far too quickly to articulate. because it's not just that, it's everything. "no," carisa breathes out, her voice quiet but not uncertain.

"no?" leslie repeats, clearly questioning. it's not a word often said by the actress, especially not in a conversation like this.

"no," cari repeats, her voice building. "no, i told you before that i didn't want to comment on personal things like this anymore, not in the same way we used to. i said i'm not using my relationship for headlines, i won't do it. i very specifically told you that we weren't going to say anything and if there was so much as a 'no comment' we were going to have a problem. i said that, didn't i? i don't understand how that could be anything but entirely clear."

it had been weeks back when leslie had first broached the topic of planting some story or another in response to rumors of a new relationship, and after being as polite as she possibly could, eventually carisa just couldn't push aside the suggestion anymore; she'd told leslie in no uncertain terms that they wouldn't be doing that and had hung up. she'd spent the new few days nearly making herself sick with anxiety over the outburst. "i don't accept that as an explanation."

for a long moment, no one says anything, carisa sitting back, hoping leslie will apologize but knowing she won't. both women start to speak again at the same moment, though carisa is the one that continues, not allowing herself to be spoken over so easily this time, "i have tried to work with you so many times, i've tried to be exactly what you want me to be and follow the script. i let you splash every up and down of my relationship with jace along with pictures in every magazine because that's what you said people found most interesting. and for so many relationships since. i've gone to every event because you said people wanted to see what i was wearing. i've posted religiously to social media with exactly the content you wanted because that's what would keep people checking back. i had no idea it could be anything different, you know. i didn't know."

and it had been true. for carisa, leslie and lindsay had been the word on the best way to handle her career from the very start. the james family was not a hollywood one, and while she'd found other actors to take her under their wings along the way, her ultimate trust had been placed with these two women. when leslie had insisted, what felt like a million years ago, that playing up a caricature of her most famous character to make her public persona that much more enticing, she hadn't even considered there was anything else to do. she'd also been young and quite frankly too enamoroured with the spotlight at the time to mind anything that brought more attention.

but she'd grown up and grown significantly more self-conscious, self-critical, had started to want to keep things for herself, had started to see the constant headlines as something more daunting than fun. and when keeping her relationship with thorsten entirely private had blown up spectacularly, carisa had doubled down on leslie's suggestion of saving face with a pr relationship. the idea was one that made her entirely uncomfortable but she did what she'd always done; leaned on the trust she placed wholeheartedly in those around her. in a constantly changing world of entertainment, when it would have been easy to replace anyone on her team over the years - as she became more popular, more bankable, more well known - she had been loyal to a fault.

maybe that was a large part of why it hurt so badly.

"i trusted you. i trusted you to do what was right for my career but also to help me. me, leslie! and what has that gotten me, exactly?" she asks, though the question is obviously rhetorical, as her words build and her voice breaks with a heavy mix of stress, anger and upset. "What i want and what i need has turned into this... this huge bit of contention. you didn't want me to deactivate my instagram for a while even when dr. cynthia was the one to suggest it and i obviously needed the break because you thought it wouldn't be, what? easy enough to explain away in this perfect narrative you've tried to craft? you didn't want mike to take over my socials even though he's a genius at it and i clearly couldn't handle it. you've never liked him being our go between either, when i just couldn't keep trying to prove myself to you. i've tried, i've tried so hard. and i thought things were so much better, with him pushing back for me a little i've gotten to breathe. i've gotten to be just a little more myself in interviews. but i can't keep doing this, especially not if i can't even trust you anymore. and i can't. i wish i could, but i can't and we all know it."

though she tries to keep herself composed, carisa's tears are entirely evident on the line, but there had never been any way she'd get through this without crying, not for someone who cries at almost everything. and even as she brushes her fingers over her cheeks she speaks up again, though her voice has dropped, her anger already melting away into bitter disappointment, "i don't really think you don't care, but i... i also really don't think you appreciate how often publicity has been prioritized over my own well being. and i can't do that anymore. i know you're good at your job, leslie. and i know you've only ever pushed for what you thought was best. but it's not what's best for me. so..."

for a split second carisa hesitates, wondering for the millionth time if there's something else that can be done, can be tried. but she's come way too far in the last year to continue to put herself in the same situations and expect different outcomes. the sigh that escapes her lips is somehow both shaking and resigned, and she follows it with a deep breath to steel herself, "i'm sorry. i'm sorry, but you're fired."

she presses end call before she can think to say anything else or start recanting her words.

j a c e @thejaceford
bored and waiting for dinner ama and maybe i'll answer 4:53pm - 13 Feb 2021

i'll never tell @xoxogossipfan
@thejaceford are you dating carisa james again?? there's been all kinds of rumors about you guys since you said she might have been teh love of your life (😭😭😭) but also that she's dating this older musician guy 4:54pm - 13 Feb 2021

j a c e @thejaceford
lol we're not rn but whatever he's not her type anyway it's prob a quarantine-ship 5:12pm - 13 Feb 2021

just call me rebel @pettymayonnaise
DAMN @thejaceford 🔫 🔥 (shots fired!!) 5:14pm - 13 Feb 2021

ka ching ka ching @wolfyofwallst
@thejaceford idk you sound kind of jealous bro 5:15pm - 13 Feb 2021

i'll never tell @xoxogossipfan
@thejaceford RIGHT NOW HE SAYS like some other time maybe!! 5:17pm - 13 Feb 2021